Wonderful Christmas.. Time with friends and family

We had a great holiday season. Nothing outrageous. Just family and fun. It started with my parents visiting. It was great to see them. My mom was tired from her chemo, but we managed to prepare dinner before the big day. I was still not old enough or worthy to prepare anything. I was on clean up/ clean after duty like i always am.. I am wondering when i will be old enough or wise enough to cook in my own kitchen when my parents are around. We celebrated the morning of Christmas Eve. Santa called and knew i would have to work Christmas Day. The kids went to bed. Massimo was sooo excited. The next morning when he woke up he barged into our room.. He came He Came!! The kids open gifts and a good time was had by all. That night we had our friends over and enjoyed a great meal. I haven't gotten to the gym in several days. I felt guilty and like shit for not going. But on another note. I bought pants that were a size 20!! WOOO HOOO.. and tops that were 2x's. SO i am getting somewhere. I can't wait to get back to the gym this week and get going again..

Getting Ready for the holidays

I have be preparing for  my parents to come for the holidays.  My mom was here in October, she got sick while she was here and ended up in the ED with a UTI.  She went home and came back for Christmas. I was excited to see her  and my dad, but at the same time scared. I know what she was telling me on the phone. It sounded like she was more uncomfortable and worse.  Life has managed to get complicated. My mother is acting like she has cancer now. Chronic pain, nausea and lethargy. SHe is still fighting and i am glad for  that. Watching her turn into my patient is something i can't deal with at this point. I just keep wondering if this is the last Christmas? What is next year gonna be? I know i am supposed to be there for her. But it is hard. I picked my parents up from the airport and she looked tired. My dad went to get the luggage and she tells me." I keep wondering if this is what it's like at the end?", "Is this what people feel?",  'I have been sick to my stomach.", "I can barely eat anything", These are things i am not ready to hear my mother say.  I can't handle it and i feel a hole in my heart. I know while she is here i have to have the 'talk' with her. I don't know if i can be strong enough to do this without crying. My brother and sister don't realize how sick she is.  I wonder if my dad understands.  My mom knows something is up. I can tell by the way she talks to me. I have to be strong for her and for my children. I have the best memories and it isn't fair for me to be selfish to want her here to make me feel good and she suffers.  I have to cry .... and i can't i don't have time for it.  I am mad. If there was an opportunity to make a 'deal' , i probably would.  What would the other side of the coin be?  I just don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to not be who she is.  It is hard.  

Doing it... Making Changes and taking Chances...

Okay, so yesterday i made the CHOICE to enter in the Danskin Triathlon. I am going to "TRY a TRI". I am going to swim a half mile, bike for twelve and run for three. I am nervous but excited about it. I dropped my bike off for repairs, bought the book and asking Kerman to make copies of the training schedule that Barb gave me. Tomorrow when I go to the gym i need to find out about getitng a trainer once or twice a month and to sign up for a swim lesson. I bought googles and a cap. I know how to swim and i can tread water, but i don't know if i can swim a distance like that. I am scared. I am so nervous and excited at the same time.. Gonna make changes in me... gonna make changes in me... gotta make changes in me.. I know it is in June, but i dont' know the date. I will keep you posted as i feel this is going to become a huge part of my life.

Relaspe Done.. now i Move on and Do Better

I never went to the gym this week. It was a crazy busy week. I ended up working two day shifts. I forgot how crazy day shifts can be. They are busy in t here own way and can be so much more stressful then the weekends. Since my mom was in town i worked some day shifts to make it easier on myself or so i thought. I can't believe i am saying this- aside for being up for 24 hours, i actually like working night shifts once a week. With that being said, I worked Monday and came home and found my mom wracked with a raging fever and sleeping through a loud house full of boys. When she woke up in the morning she was still sick and hurting so bad. Her fractured rib was killing her from laying on the couch and rigoring with the fever. She was in tears. I called her heme onc md and wanted some pain meds- but when i got through I was told to take her to the ED. That's when it hit me she was sick agian. I took her to the ED and they did a work up. She had a raging bladder infection. She got some more pain medicine and antibiotics. 3 days later she was her self agian. It was such a reality check. In the mist of this i have manged to forget everything i have been working towards. I didn't go to the gym i ate shitty and now i fell shitty. I really felt my body missing that release i was getting from it. I was in a perpeptual circle of destruciton... i forgot my mantra "not helpfull, helpful...." I have to remember that i have to live by that...

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas
Originally uploaded by cheska732

My PRIDE and JOY Massimo and Nicolo. 2nd year in a row i got this picture. I am gonna keep taking it as long as they can still get up that bale of hay..

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas
Originally uploaded by cheska732

My little guy, Nicolo and myself at Love Creek Orchards. I was hoping to get a family shot. But at one time or anther someone wouldn't cooperate. so no family shot.. Just pictures. But that's okay. We still had a great time.

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas

Love Creek Orchards, Medina Texas
Originally uploaded by cheska732

We had a great weekend. Spent the better part of Saturday at Love Creek Orchards in Medina Texas. The weather was over cast- but the wind would blow and it felt great. The kids had a great time. They ran the maze, played with the pumpkins, rode horses goofed around in the teapee, went on a track ride and petting zoo. They were exhausted by the time we head back to the camper. The rest of the afternoon, they just had a good time. It was such a great weekend. It was good to spend time with them and my husband.

Great Weekend Topped off with Shitty news

We had such a wonderful weekend. Went to Lake Medina and then spent a day at Love Creek Orchards followed by day of just letting the kids run around. Got the phone call from my mother. Her cancer is back and it has spread to her bones. She is going in to talk to the doctor. He says he has tricks up his sleeve.  They all say that. I cried the whole way home from the best weekend.  

Getting ready for a Fabulous Weekend Yah!!

I am so excited. We are planning a long weekend get away with the boys. We are going with our camper to a very quite lake- called Lake Medina. The RV resort is so quite and cozy. It is perfect for us. We are going to hang around do some fishing , throw rocks in the lake and most importantly Go to LOVE CREEK ORCHARDS in Medina, Texas.   www.lovecreekorchards.com It is the cutest little apple orchard south of the Mason Dixson Line.  It is truly organic - right down to the way they keep bugs off there trees.  They also have the coolest pumpkin patch.  I can't wait to take the kids there.  The best part might have to be their apple ice cream and apple pie! Each pie is made with 5 lbs of apples and approx 630 calories a slice.. yummmmm i can taste it now.  These pictures where from last year. Stay posted for this years.

Feeling GOOD!!

Okay, okay, it is a new month and still going strong. I have managed to make myself a priority. Which is good. I have signed the kids up for swim classes which is going to compromise my full time to work out. It is hard with the restrictions at the gym how long they can stay. What i may do on Tuesdays is go in the am and just go back int he pm with the little guy and goof off in the pool with him. If i can't i can just do cardio when we go in the afternoon.. I feel my clothes getting bigger and my ankles are there more then there not. 19 days of doing what it right and 20 days since i took the steps to make it right. One day at a time. I FEEL GREAT- the BEST i have felt in a long time. I love the endorphins I am releasing and what they are making me accomplish.

Mr. President... I have a question..

What about all these CEO, CFO, Presidents, VP ( and whatever other bullshit corporate names this big wigs give themselves) - what about their retirement plans and all there bonuses? I'm never going to see a retirement at the rate i am going- I guess i will be lucky if i die before. I'll never see retirement. It'sv scary because i have no idea what we are going to do... no idea. Why do these people walk away with so much - why are we bailing them out.. Why are we not looking into the miss use of funds and all that??

WEEK 3-  Yippee!! still going strong and feel great. I went to my 'aquafit' class and all i could think about today was getting to the gym and working out. I had to rush through my gym portion of my workout because I only had 2 hours of child care. I have to admit- it is better then nothing.  I work out at the YMCA. It is so helpful that they have the child care- but i wish it was just 30 minutes more. Enough time to get in a work out and a shower.  That way i can head to the store afterwards. But i still got what i need done. Tomorrow- i have to work at night and they are coming to fix the alarm in the house.. should be interesting.. no sleep for the working. I better head off to bed then.  my obliques are sore tonight..

WEEK 2: Keeping on Track..... The weekend was busy at work. We had a full house in the hospital. I walked 2 1/2 miles both days at work alone. I used that as my cardio work out. I didn't feel guilty about not going to the gym. But i missed it and was so excited to go this am. Had a decent cardio class- Aquafit class and then did circuit training. Tried something different- instead of resting for 45 seconds i worked on another set of muscles. It was great. It made the workout fly. I had to rush or so i thought because i was getting getting close to the 2 hour limit the YMCA has for watching kids. But it was a good workout and a great day. I took the kids to the park after school today. It was a very cool day for September in Austin Texas.

Week down and starting a new week. It went well and i am feeling strong. I have been trying to eat well, but make the mistake of not eating breakfast and then become famished at lunch. So this week i will try to make that a goal. Making good choices for meals and eating breakfast.

Giving Time to Me... It's been a long time.

September 12, 2008 Okay, so here I am a few months or so until my 37th birthday, I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize who i have become. I am easily 150lbs overweight. I don't like who i have become as a person. The last few years have been very stressful financially. When i sit here and type i realize- i made my priority to sit and eat and worry about what tomorrow will bring- which creditor is going to call... and it put me in a downward spiral of self pity and depression. I cracked a few months ago and sought the help of a professional He have me light. Someone with a different perspective on what i was going through and how i saw it. I came up with a mantra- HeLPFul- vs NoT HeLPFul... it is working and I am feeling better about myself. It gave me the self confidence i needed to take steps to improve my overall health. I Joined the YMCA!! I love it and they have programs that are me. They have a pool and water fitness classes. Most improtantly they have baby sitters.. i can have time for myself.. So last week i started.. I went to a few AquaFitness Classes, then i did an hour on a treadmill. This week i had a fitness evaluation and started MOBILEFIT. A program that maps out your workout with the equipment in the gym.. I like circuit training now. I can do this. This is do- able.. I can do this. I went this week at different times and i am feeling good about myself. Event though my assessment revealed numbers i didn't think were possible. But it is okay. I am making changes and changes take twice as long to change. This is a picture of me taken last summer. My boys are with me.

Massimo is starting Kindergarten in the AM

Okay, so my oldest is going to Kindergarten in the am. He ate a good dinner, had a bath, read a book, cut his nails, charged the cameras, went to bed early.... now tomorrow his first day in a very different part of his life.. am i ready?