I don't understand my family sometimes and it frustrates me to no end..

This morning i woke up with big plans. Plans to take time for me and and to have a good work out. As i do every morning i called my family in NY to say Good Morning. This morning when I called, I spoke with my dad. He told me my mom was blow drying her hair. I thought that was good and told him to call me when they get back from the oncologist. It was about 5 minutes later my mother called. We made small talk at first and then she started talking and crying to me. Crying about the pain she is in, crying about how here life is so different and crying how she has be come incapacitated compared to what she use to do. She can't do the minimum she use to do as far as cleaning a house or errands. And, if you knew my mom she lives for this. A day with out doing two loads of laundry was a day wasted. The laundry basket was never full in our house. My mom is the laundry queen. She was crying because she can't do. I told her to ask for help and she told me my father, sister and brother think this is all a big joke. My sister lives in her own house with her husband and still brings her laundry to my parents house to do. She still eats over there 4 or more times a week- all because she doesn't want to get her house dirty. I have been telling my mom for a year now to not to do her laundry and she doesn't listen to me. My mother told me she finally told my sister she wasn't going to do her laundry any more. I told her good. I was also upset about the fact that my sister told my mom she would come over and help her blow dry her hair and she didn't show up. I don't know why my sister is unreliable. Don't know how that happened. It makes me sad. My mom also said when she starts the chemo she is going to take the house off the market because she can't keep it clean and she is upset that my dad won't do anything to help it sell. SHe says people walk in and they walk out and she doesn't know why. It is upsetting because she really wants it to sell so she can by a new house here in Texas. Then she started talking about the pain, the pain and the inability to care for herself. She complained that she can't sleep and that she is so scared of how bad everything is going to hurt when it gets worse. I listened and wanted sooo much to be there for her and i couldn't i was over 2000 miles away and i dont' have the resources to go there. I told her to hand in there. I hung up the phone and was really upset. I called my husband and cried to him. I cried about how my brother, sister and father are just not dealing with this and they don't help my mom. I tried to text them and no one texted me back. I called my brother and he answered his cell phone and he was at work. I told him, when are you guys gonna wake up a realize she is not going to get better and to start helping her out. I don't know what she has to do to show you she has stage four metastatic breast cancer. You don't get better from this. You get worse and you die. They need to get up and help her. Stop joking it is real. I think my brother finally heard me. My sister hasn't called me back. I went for a walk and felt a hole in my heart. I walked in my neighborhood and thought about the walks she took with the kids. I got teary eyed. I came home and still felt like i needed to do something, so i mowed the yard. Still, not happy with everything, i went for a mani and pedi. Did i mention before the walk i made a pot of sauce? It was a weird day. A hard day for me. All i want to do i cry. Cry, because i have no control over the fact that my mom has breast cancer and despite everything we are doing, it isn't going to get better. My mom has decided to go through another round of chemo. She went for another biospy and this time there wasn't enough to tell them if there were hormone positive receptors or not. Why is this important? Because it helps with choosing chemo's. The doctor seems to think that even though her inital biopsy said her hormone receptors were postive and she took the pills that were hormone positive the cancer spread. My mom had two biposy each and adventure in pain and discomfort. And, for this one to come back inconclusive, is just a huge blow. I wish she didnt have to suffer.

What's been going on....

Being that last week was spring break, i planned on taking off to spend time with the family down at the coast. We know how that went.. it didn't. But i completely forgot that i scheduled myself to work a shift on Friday. OMG!! what a day. It was crazy busy in the unit. We were running non stop the entire day. There was even a surgery at the bedside, exploratory lap. It was just nuts. It was so busy that i only peed once the entire day..No time to drink and no time to pee. The rest of the weekend was very steady. The 'A' unit is heavy. Everybody is vented and sick. There was a younger, in her late 50's with breast cancer. she got chemo and the chemo knocked out here heart. Now she has a weak heart. She was on medicine to help all that but the medicine only went so far. I went in her room on Friday and i thought... GOSH.. my mom. It was hard and it hurt to be there. But i got to make her comfortable. I got to do something for her. I made a difference to her at that particular moment. I made a difference in her life. On Saturday we admitted an older women in her late 60's and she too had breast cancer. She had extensive mets, everywhere. There wasn't anywhere that didn't have something. THe chemo and radiation she was getting gave her gastritis and she was stooling blood. In both of these cases i never had the balls to ask what chemo. I know it is the one my mom is going to get.. i don't want her to suffer. It is so heart retching. I can't even think it through. When i think about it, it hurts tooooo much. My mom went to the radiologist. THe radiologist seems to think the tumor on her spine is the one that is touch and nerve and that is where the pain is coming from. One week of specific location chemo. She may even be able to get her chemo at the same time because it is so short and such a tiny area. She met with the social worker and she bragged to me the conversation that she had with her. I know she plays tough on the outside, but deep down she is like me and is hurting and scared. She pushed it down so she doesn't have to deal with it. I have to be careful not to internalize it. I am glad i started to workout again to help with that. it is good for me. Tomorrow evening, i am going up to REI in North Austin to go to a pre triathalon meeting. I am very excited for the meeting. I am also scared at the same time. Am I going to be the fattest person there? I don't know. I will have to go and find out won't i? I am my own worse enemy. My husband even says so. I don't know how it ended up like this, but i am.

It's still there...

Okay, so i knew.. deep down.. that my mom's cancer was still there. I know what cancer is, i know what it does. She saw her doctor today and it is still in her bones. She is still having and enormous amount of pain in her rib. SHe is gonna start chemo and radiation. The doctor thinks all her biopsy's are false positives and that 's why she doesn't respond to the po chemo. She is still herself. and misses the kids. Massimo know's something is up.

Getting Ready for the holidays

I have be preparing for  my parents to come for the holidays.  My mom was here in October, she got sick while she was here and ended up in the ED with a UTI.  She went home and came back for Christmas. I was excited to see her  and my dad, but at the same time scared. I know what she was telling me on the phone. It sounded like she was more uncomfortable and worse.  Life has managed to get complicated. My mother is acting like she has cancer now. Chronic pain, nausea and lethargy. SHe is still fighting and i am glad for  that. Watching her turn into my patient is something i can't deal with at this point. I just keep wondering if this is the last Christmas? What is next year gonna be? I know i am supposed to be there for her. But it is hard. I picked my parents up from the airport and she looked tired. My dad went to get the luggage and she tells me." I keep wondering if this is what it's like at the end?", "Is this what people feel?",  'I have been sick to my stomach.", "I can barely eat anything", These are things i am not ready to hear my mother say.  I can't handle it and i feel a hole in my heart. I know while she is here i have to have the 'talk' with her. I don't know if i can be strong enough to do this without crying. My brother and sister don't realize how sick she is.  I wonder if my dad understands.  My mom knows something is up. I can tell by the way she talks to me. I have to be strong for her and for my children. I have the best memories and it isn't fair for me to be selfish to want her here to make me feel good and she suffers.  I have to cry .... and i can't i don't have time for it.  I am mad. If there was an opportunity to make a 'deal' , i probably would.  What would the other side of the coin be?  I just don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to not be who she is.  It is hard.