Wonderful Christmas.. Time with friends and family

We had a great holiday season. Nothing outrageous. Just family and fun. It started with my parents visiting. It was great to see them. My mom was tired from her chemo, but we managed to prepare dinner before the big day. I was still not old enough or worthy to prepare anything. I was on clean up/ clean after duty like i always am.. I am wondering when i will be old enough or wise enough to cook in my own kitchen when my parents are around. We celebrated the morning of Christmas Eve. Santa called and knew i would have to work Christmas Day. The kids went to bed. Massimo was sooo excited. The next morning when he woke up he barged into our room.. He came He Came!! The kids open gifts and a good time was had by all. That night we had our friends over and enjoyed a great meal. I haven't gotten to the gym in several days. I felt guilty and like shit for not going. But on another note. I bought pants that were a size 20!! WOOO HOOO.. and tops that were 2x's. SO i am getting somewhere. I can't wait to get back to the gym this week and get going again..

Getting Ready for the holidays

I have be preparing for  my parents to come for the holidays.  My mom was here in October, she got sick while she was here and ended up in the ED with a UTI.  She went home and came back for Christmas. I was excited to see her  and my dad, but at the same time scared. I know what she was telling me on the phone. It sounded like she was more uncomfortable and worse.  Life has managed to get complicated. My mother is acting like she has cancer now. Chronic pain, nausea and lethargy. SHe is still fighting and i am glad for  that. Watching her turn into my patient is something i can't deal with at this point. I just keep wondering if this is the last Christmas? What is next year gonna be? I know i am supposed to be there for her. But it is hard. I picked my parents up from the airport and she looked tired. My dad went to get the luggage and she tells me." I keep wondering if this is what it's like at the end?", "Is this what people feel?",  'I have been sick to my stomach.", "I can barely eat anything", These are things i am not ready to hear my mother say.  I can't handle it and i feel a hole in my heart. I know while she is here i have to have the 'talk' with her. I don't know if i can be strong enough to do this without crying. My brother and sister don't realize how sick she is.  I wonder if my dad understands.  My mom knows something is up. I can tell by the way she talks to me. I have to be strong for her and for my children. I have the best memories and it isn't fair for me to be selfish to want her here to make me feel good and she suffers.  I have to cry .... and i can't i don't have time for it.  I am mad. If there was an opportunity to make a 'deal' , i probably would.  What would the other side of the coin be?  I just don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to not be who she is.  It is hard.