Danskin 2011

WOW I finally did it 3 years after this adventure began. i finished under 2 hours. Not by much but it's a start.  I was pumped, i even posted pictures on FB of me in my tri suit. I walked around the venue like I owned it, only to find out when i looked at the pictures i got today that i looked huge.   You can tell that i felt really good on Sunday. I was smiling. Even a few weeks ago with my son.   Today i got the photos from the picture takers and i looked horrible. It  has not been a good  night. I am not feeling too well about this again.  Saturday, I am going for an evaluation for my caloric burning.  Then i' m supposed to see a nutritionist 2 weeks from now to work on a plan. I got to get rid of this trunk. It's embarrassing, but no one reads this except me..Back to the self pity game all over again.... :(

where have i beena nd what i have been doing...

Well you wouldn't believe it if i told you. I worked very hard this winter and finally decided to take the plunge and sign up for the 1/2 Iron Man in Austin. Oct 25, 2011. Someone who i have been riding with kept saying i can do it and pointed out the things i have done. I did some basic research and I decided it's now or never. I did say in my 40th year and it is my 40 th year. What better way to hit a milestone- knock it off my bucket list. So, i signed up for my first 10K, did it and felt good. Started running for minutes and started realizing i was doing well for me and I thought just maybe i can do it. I started making choices that were better for training and for health. I also got a strength trainer to help me get fit in places i haven't gotten fit in for a long time.  I am see muscles take shape that haven't had definition in a long time. I am also realizing i had Power in some respects but i am not strong. I relied on my legs for a long time. My husband has been great through out this. He supports me and gives my time to get my workouts in. He dropped big numbers in the wt department this winter and has been doing crit races.  He is riding like a serious rider. Impressive times and stamina.

So- here i go again.  Dankin is in a month. I am hoping to be at 2hrs maybe just under.  her i go...

NDQI survey-- got my results back

Oh if today was a day to quit!!! I should have turned and walked away while i had the chance to. I busted my ass helping the unit and what i get in return- SURVEY RESULTS THAT SUCK. of course i took it to heart. I feel sick to my stomach. More frustrated then ever. And not wanting to go back. I have had enough of everything right now. I need a serious break from these people that just drain me. The ones that complain non stop, the ones that whine about everything, claim the do everything and do nothing.

It was embarrassing today to care for a patient after a nurse i hired. A nurse i gave a  chance to. Every chance i give him, he throw a ball of disappointment right back in my face. Week in and week out. I am frustrated beyond belief. 

I am frustrated with everything i have still to do and nothing i can get done. It is getting harder and harder. Don't know if i have it in me to do this anymore.

yeeowwza what a horrible last 24 hours.

Monday i was spent after a long weekend of working out long and hard in the gym Back to back spin classes followed by some weight training. I was exhausted. Tuesday, i headed downtown, got a coffee and started to get nauseated.  I thought it was the coffee on an empty stomach. As the day went on and i answered emails at lunch, my stomach was getting worse by the minute. I ended up walking out of the class 4 times to throw up and sit on the pot. It was nuts. I came home crawled in to bed and froze my ass off with PJ's, fleece and socks on. I took a zofran and my stomach stopped flipping but the spout on the bottom end was still open. This morning i took another zofran, still feeling weak, i stayed home. I went to Sam's club to pick up some stuff came home and sat in front of the computer. I still feel like i got hit by  a truck. I am exhausted. Next week, i am going to sit down and decide my plan for my half marathon and sprint tri this summer.

The last month

It has been absolutely surreal in some aspects. I think of my mom everyday. I miss her. I haven't cried that much. I had a moment when I was shopping wanted to ask her something and she wasn't there. I started to think about all the things I forgot to ask and tell her. I am still waiting for a sign. The funeral was good. Opened up another can of worms when I went home. So weird to be in the house without her there. Sad part her ashes are there while everyone is everywhere else. Christmas is going to be a challenge I know. I am just keeping focused and busy. We joined a different gym. Feeling disloyal to the YMCA but I need the next level. Looking forward to the new year.

Down and around Austin with my Brother today...

city ride with nick my bro by cheska732 at Garmin Connect - Details

 My brother and I went on a great ride all around Austin today.  Started at Jack and Adam's bike shop, down Barton Springs road, up Rollingwood, to Walsh Tarlton, accros 360, up along the frontage road of Mopac, Up  Congress then we stopped at Mellow Johnny's for a coffee then headed up to the Capital, around campus, the stadium, back down Nueces to Jack and Adams. It was cool when we stopped but we worked up a sweat.  Here is a picture of me. I am getting better about wanting my picture taken. it's been a long trip. Still have more to go.

Good Bye Mom, I will miss you and think of you often

After a 5 year battle with breast cancer, my mom went peacefully in her sleep yesterday morning. It was hard to watch, but nothing like she was going through i am sure. The last few days she was in stupor. She was either out of it or she was in pain, moaning and crying. I felt hopeless as some points, felt like i was medicating her too much because of her pain. I wonder if she was out of it because of all the meds she got. She always told me she wanted to be be very comfortable. i hope that is what she got. I am scared that the suppository she got for her fever was what did her in. She died about 30 minutes after she got it. I did get to read her the prayer that i got from the priest. But i wonder if she made it to heaven even if she didn't go to church. i so badly want a sign from her to know she is okay. what is a sign? how will i know it's her?  My heart is heavy and sad. i am in disbelief. i am scared to sleep. I can't imagine my dad and how he feels.  Cancer sucks especially when it takes who you love most. I can't even bring myself to look at stuff she had written. I urgently parted with her things in fear i would not beable to rid them latter on and end up like a hoarder on TV.  My mom was such a great person, she drove me crazy but she loved us in her own way.   i am who i am today because of what she did for me everyday of her life.  She cried that she was sorry, sorry for what i have no idea, what we did at the end was the least i could do for her. I feel better knowing i was with her and she was here instead of ny. i just wish it was sooner..
I love you mom and miss you so much.