***\\\Come on 2010///****

WOOO HOOO 2010 is on it's way and this is another year for another mile stone. I accomplished much to be proud on in 2009. I completed my first sprint Triathlon, worked out regularly and started a new job as a clinical manager of a new facility here in central Texas. Somethings i have gotten better at and others i struggle with daily. I have tons of support and i need to tap into them this coming year. My Goals for this year include: 1. The Danskin in less them 2 hours. 2. 1/2 marathon 3. More steady weight loss 4. Being more aware of mine and my families carbon foot print. All these are attainable and achievable. I here by set my goals.. :)

Work has taken over for the last two months

I have been working my ass off at work. Getting the unit and the staff up to being independent. It is so true about finding people you can trust to run your unit. I have two day shift charge nurses that kick ass and one who needs help. I get tired and loose patience with them easily. Then i feel guilty. I just want to scream.. take a breath it is going to be alright it isn't a car accident. But we did have a hypothermia and a IABP!! I had to work Tuesday night. My goal for the unit is to work on competencies and get everyone up to where they can handle what comes in the door with out me being there. I caught up on paper work and have my audits on track. I have been eating like shit - not packing my lunch or eating crap when i buy it. Typical out of control activities that i get caught up in then get on the cyclic self pity bus. I need to sit down and create goals for the next 6 months. I want to do the Danskin agian and I want a better time. The rest of November is Diet and good eating habits. I want to be able to head to the gym at least three times a week for the rest of the month. The stress of working 5 days a week, with a 1st grader, toddler, husband, house, cooking, meeting everyone's expectations and all that jazz has made my goals fall behind. Tonight a friend of mine is competing in a body building event after training so freaking hard and watching everything she eats. I am happy for her.

what a furious month

I's stuck in a rut again. Making bad choices and not exercising. I am stuck in the wheel on self hate. I need help to get out. I need therapy. I think i am cyclic. It always happens around this time. When i look back at the year and forget what i wanted to accomplish and what i did and focus on what i didn't do. I can't walk past a mirror without self disgust, self hate and self despise. How did i become this? Who is responsible? Why me and not her? I need to look inside for my inner strength and peace again. i have to find it soon. I am gonna crash.

new me in the new year

It is going to be a year that I made my mind up to be a better me. There are easier days then others. i have been admiring a friend of mine lose weight for the last year. She is down 70 lbs and still plans to loose more. She looks fabulous and so tiny. Something i know i am deep down underneath all i carry. My new job has been a great learning experience. I have notice changes in myself and towards others. I have nervous energy and i find myself snacking and binging at times. I hate the way i feel after i do that. But during it i feel nothing. It 's the weirdest thing. I need to set a plan and a goal. I am going to look at achievement by CHristmas time. I am feeling strong about it. Now putting the plan down on paper. I also want to do the Danskin again in June. I am hoping i can be at around 2 hrs.

Where has the summer gone?

Okay I have been working management for 2 months now and i think i am holding my own. I have made head way in certain aspects and still swiming in circles on others. The kids went to NY for two weeks to see my family. They got back tonight.The only big thing i got done was going through there clothes. It felt really good to purge clothes though. 5 weeks until the opening. things are starting to fall into place and we are moving ahead. The hospital is gorgeous. I feel honored that they are giving me a chance like this. I am trying very hard to prove my worth.

T minus 76 days

All hell is breaking loose and tensions are hi as we get ready to open a new hospital. Me I just want to do a good job. Nervous and excited and unable to wait. I am scared i might have pissed some people off. Imagine that. I need to step back and look at what i am asking. In my mind i think i am right. But i might not be in someone else specifically the ones in charge.. I need to have some sort of serenity prayer for anxiety. I just don't get it. I so don't want to screw up and i do.

Busy with a Capital B!!

I can't believe how much time has passed since the DANSKIN. I am still taking it easy on my damn foot. Every time i try to do something it acts up. It is ridiculous. Then my dad came into town and that threw everything for a loop. Did i mention the new job? It has been very exciting to say the least. But over whelming. Over whelming part is the fact that all my new money is going towards child care and day care. I am broke. It is ridiculous. Then to top things off- my husband is still waiting on money. It is overwhelming i could cry. I just don't understand it. I am frustrated beyond control. I don't know what to do. I could just crawl up and die. How can anyone feel romantic when crap like this happens? How can anyone feel good about themselves? How does anyone ever succeed? I am starting to think it isn't possible.....

Fouth of July Celebration at the neighbors pool It was fun. My boys are getting big.

New ICU Manager and Foot UpDate.

Okay after waiting a week. I finally got enough courage to email the Director and ask him what was up- in a very nice way of course. Turns out it was a HR hold up and he offered me the position as ICU manager of Seton Hays. WOO HOOO. Huge changes coming my way. SO much to do before not and then. I am at a lost for word. My list is building and building... dumm dee dum dum dummmmm.. On anther note i went to the foot doctor finally for my foot pain. Turn out I have a stress fracture on my metacarpal. I am wearing a funky boot for the next few weeks and hopefully that combined with milk, i can be back to full workouts in a few weeks. Until then it is swimming and not pushing off the edge, and working out with weights that dont include weight baring... i pray this isn't a set back..

The Second Brain is GONE...

Yesterday afternoon, i headed back into Austin and had my VENUS Closure procedure done with Dr. Dilling at VeinSolutions. I have nothing to say but positive things about it. I am a little sore today. I took a pain pill earlier, now I am itching like crazy. I haven't seen what it looks like yet. But I had 15 inches of varicose vein removed!! crazy. That was part one. Part two will most likely be in September. I hate i am out of commission and can't go to the pool or any of that stuff for 10 days. I can walk, but nothing too strenuous.

Pictures from the Danksin 2009

Dankin 2009 Austin Texas

I DID IT, I DID IT and I want to do it again. Yesterday we went to The Travis County Expo Center and pick up my packet. It got very emotional at first from being overwhelmed. I was scared thinking oh shit what did i do. I started to regret that i hadn't worked out in 2 days and i was taking it easy. I was scared. Kerman and Massimo were there, and as always Kerman was my rock and gave me the support i needed. I was able to finish my stuff and sit through one of the info session and got some more support about the race. I learned about the word "GAMBARI". It means keep trying, keep pushing you can do better, it's there. You just have to access it. It was told to us by the Olympic Champion Shelia Taormina. I got to hold here Gold Medal from the Alanta Olympics for the 4x 200 relay. She was there also today. High fiving us as we went into the water and after we crossed the finish line. Thank you SHELIA. Okay so how did it go?? Glad you asked.

DAMIANO HAMMOND, FRANCESCA Bib #1013 F 35-39 KYLE , TX 78640 Overall Rank Class 1495 of 1976 Rank 277 of 326 Swim 00:28:54 Swim Rank 1448 Trans1 00:04:54 Bike 00:55:04 Bike Rank 1363 MPH 13.0 Trans2 00:03:16 Run 00:46:32 Run Rank 1680 Pace 00:15:00 Final 02:18:42

SO how did it go? Glad you asked.. I am having a fun time remembering it. We got there early this am. aroun 0515am. I took the athlete bus and Kerman and Massimo tookt he spectator bus. They got there before me. I met up with them after i set up my transition area. I had to get my tires pumped up, last night our pump broke. It was frustrating and there was a potetial for me to freak out. I was able to stay calm and focused. This am, i kindly asked my neighbor next to me at the bike rack to borrow hers. She was kind enough to say yes. After trying twice to pump it up, i was like forget this. I went to the Jack and Adams tent and some very nice young man helped me pump up and gave me some encouraging words. Okay then i was off. I had about 40 minutes. I got marked. My number 1013. Lucky Italian 13. Then we headed down to the lake. I was toying with the idea to get it. But didn't. I met up with a girl a work with and she was kind enough to give me support. Okay, so at 0727, we were off. I started to swim. I some how ended up towards the front of my heat. I kindly went over to the side. People were hitting my feet. It was ackward and my googles were fogging up. It was hard to stay on course. I didn't see the bubbles everyone kept talking about. I had to get on a noodle and clean my google. A water angel was there, as if she knew. I cleaned my googles and i was off. Back on track. I was at my turn and able to get some sort of pace. I was feeling good. Like i was in the pool. My googles got foogy again, this time i spit in them and it was fine, of course with the help of a water angel. I remember during the swim, seeing booyees and thinking okay. this is the right turn, almost in the home stretch. I did it twice. Not feeling exhausted just wanting to finish. I didn't look at my watch. I didn't want to know, good or bad. I was scared. I got up out of the water. I wanted to run, but i didn't. I saw my husband and he waved. It was good to see him. I was going up the hill. My feet were filty and i was thinking how in the hell am i gonna clean my feet? I looked at my watch and realized the time was no going. I was like screw it. I will use it in the bike.There is no way a water bottle is going to get this crap off. I wiped off the bottoms and put on my helmet, glasses and shoes and was off. Kerman said he was surprised i got out of T1 as fast as i did. So, I am on my bike now. I realized i forgot my GOO>The biking went well. I was breathing hard. I wanted to see where i was on my distance and when i looked at my watch, there was not bike info. I was gonna freak, but instead i decided, it isn't gonna make a difference. So focus your energy on the bike. Just when i was wondering were i was ....i see a sign.. 4 miles okay. I can do this. The the famous right hand turn into a wall. I was in the completely wrong gear. At this point i was really trying to work my gears. Half way up the hill, i had to walk and tons of people passed me. A bike angel said- wait let me get in you in the right gear and told me the magic info.. When your going up the hill... your red lines need to me to the right... HOLY SHIT!! it finally made sense. The rest of the time it was work, but i didn't walk. Yah.. It was good i walked, i learned something i have been trying to figure out for months. I finished up got into the transition area and time for T2. Did T2, put on my hat and and my new pink top and off i went with goo in the shirt and number on. I couldn't find my lip goo, but i left anyway. I went towards the run. I was kinda breathing hard and didn't want to run in front of all the people. So started to walk. I walked and took a goo. I almost puked. It was gross. It was so thick and sweet. I didn't like it. I did it for the sake of getting some electrolytes. But i know i didn't use that much up. I had a yogurt for breakfast. So, i walked and jogged a bit and alternated. I finally saw some people and someone told me where i was in the distance. I got passed by many people, but it was okay. there was probably about 200 that passed me when i think about it. But i didn't care. The point was i was there and i was doing it. At the last 1/4 mile. you can hear the music and see the people. The crowd was cheering you on, even though i was walking. I started to jog more. I saw Kerman and he smiled. He pushed Massimo to me and Massimo finished the race with me. Apparently, the announcer told the dad's to do that. I was praying Massimo didn't run to fast. I was scared. At the end. We high fived Shelia and crossed the line. I saw Kenny and Kiara. And then I saw Kerman. We hugged and kissed and it felt good. I FINISHED THE DANSKIN and I felt good. Damn good and i can't wait to do it again. Now tomorrow.... I have my procedure for my leg, after that. Back to training for weight loss and fitness. I look forward to it.

The countdown is on... the attitude is there and the anxiety is elevated

I took it easy today. Got my hair cut. Trying to stay hydrated and eating good for my Triathlon this weekend. I kinda just rested and hung out with the boys at the pool. The nerves are starting. I can't stop eating which makes me think my period is on the way.....

4 days until the DANSKIN

Okay, I'm starting to freak out inside and on this blog. I can't let anyone know how scared I am. Scared, I am going to make a fool of myself. I never did get a chance to swim an open water swim. I never got a chance to ride on Decker Lane, run more then a mile and a half. The other thing i haven't done was do 'bricks'. I am scared. Very scared. Now , I am have problems switching my gears. For some reason my gears are catching. Auto shifting is what i read it could be. I read that it could be my technique. Now i'm all freaked out, but i can't let anyone know. Ugh.. i am scared so scared, i can't believe it.

CenTexTri In Austin

Okay, so we woke up early this am and got out of the house by 830am. We headed downtown to Lake LadyBird to watch the CenTex Triathlon. We had a great time. We watched few waves of the swimmers start. It was a treading water start. I don't know how i would like that. Then we moved over and watched the swimmers coming out of the water. Everyone looked good and strong. Then we went over and watched the runners. It atmosphere was exciting and inspiring. I have two more weeks of training for the big day. I am still wigging out about what i a going to wear and what i am going to do about my bra. I know i can finish. I am just nervous. ... oh my nerves

on the way home from work..

I was driving home tonight and I this amazing rainbow. The picture doesn't do it justice. It was was a sign to me, that things are going to be okay.

we all had a very good day

Today started 45 minutes earlier then usual. I got some stuff done around the house and headed out for a walk with the baby (oops), i mean Nicolo, my 2 year old. He already at breakfast but i brought some cereal and water and stuck him in the Buggaboo and headed out the door. The weather was fabulous and refreshing. There was a slight breeze and a beautiful blue sky. We came home and headed to HEB for a few things. We had lunch and Nicolo went in for a nap. Expecting arguing from my older son when he got home when i asked him to do work. I sat on the couch and started to read. I had 45 minutes to myself. I ended up dosing . Massimo came home and he was in a decent mood. He did some work and changed into his swim trunks with minimal argument. I was sooo excited. We went swimming. Met Kerman at the gym. Came home made a quick dinner and now sitting on the couch waiting for bed. Oh i forgot to mention my oldest son ran 1/2 mile! can you believe it? i was so happy.

I just want to say I'm THANKFUL.

I was trying to catch up an emails tonight and came across an email from my husband's fraternity web ring. One his brother's daughters is undergoing tests for Krabbe. I never heard of it. I goggled and just felt horrible. I couldn't imagine what life would be like. It's hard enough with a sick mother. But to loose a child. WOW. I am going to say a prayer for him and his family. Especially his daughter. I want to thank GOD for my healthy children.

Simulation Trianing Pedal Hard at Mellow Johnny's in Austin, Texas

Okay, so this evening i headed downtown to Mellow Johnny's to ride the simulation Danskin course. It was a great ride and a really good experience. Everyone in the shop was super helpful and excited that we were doing the Danskin. I didn't know what to expect so i didn't have any goals. I knew how long the course was,but didn't know about the hills, except what i heard at the REI class. I got on my bike and started riding. 11.49 miles. The pro there was talking about gears and i told him i wasn't good at working the gears and he helped me along. He told me where i should keep my watts and how i should maximize my energy so i am consistent the entire time and not have these blasts of energy. So i did it, 1 hour and 14 minutes, average about 10 miles an hour. Consistency in maintaining my watts and i wasn't even spent. My HR was about 120- 130 the entire time. I did really well and it gave me the courage to keep going. I am getting excited. I got a great video which i am going to add so you can get excited too. I still an trying to work on doing bricks , this has been the hardest thing. My diet has also been slacking. My goal is to stay focused the next months and achieve my goals. Motivational videos.. let's go you ROCK!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nET5KJk-Wzw http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E9miwR-Ajk

I don't understand my family sometimes and it frustrates me to no end..

This morning i woke up with big plans. Plans to take time for me and and to have a good work out. As i do every morning i called my family in NY to say Good Morning. This morning when I called, I spoke with my dad. He told me my mom was blow drying her hair. I thought that was good and told him to call me when they get back from the oncologist. It was about 5 minutes later my mother called. We made small talk at first and then she started talking and crying to me. Crying about the pain she is in, crying about how here life is so different and crying how she has be come incapacitated compared to what she use to do. She can't do the minimum she use to do as far as cleaning a house or errands. And, if you knew my mom she lives for this. A day with out doing two loads of laundry was a day wasted. The laundry basket was never full in our house. My mom is the laundry queen. She was crying because she can't do. I told her to ask for help and she told me my father, sister and brother think this is all a big joke. My sister lives in her own house with her husband and still brings her laundry to my parents house to do. She still eats over there 4 or more times a week- all because she doesn't want to get her house dirty. I have been telling my mom for a year now to not to do her laundry and she doesn't listen to me. My mother told me she finally told my sister she wasn't going to do her laundry any more. I told her good. I was also upset about the fact that my sister told my mom she would come over and help her blow dry her hair and she didn't show up. I don't know why my sister is unreliable. Don't know how that happened. It makes me sad. My mom also said when she starts the chemo she is going to take the house off the market because she can't keep it clean and she is upset that my dad won't do anything to help it sell. SHe says people walk in and they walk out and she doesn't know why. It is upsetting because she really wants it to sell so she can by a new house here in Texas. Then she started talking about the pain, the pain and the inability to care for herself. She complained that she can't sleep and that she is so scared of how bad everything is going to hurt when it gets worse. I listened and wanted sooo much to be there for her and i couldn't i was over 2000 miles away and i dont' have the resources to go there. I told her to hand in there. I hung up the phone and was really upset. I called my husband and cried to him. I cried about how my brother, sister and father are just not dealing with this and they don't help my mom. I tried to text them and no one texted me back. I called my brother and he answered his cell phone and he was at work. I told him, when are you guys gonna wake up a realize she is not going to get better and to start helping her out. I don't know what she has to do to show you she has stage four metastatic breast cancer. You don't get better from this. You get worse and you die. They need to get up and help her. Stop joking it is real. I think my brother finally heard me. My sister hasn't called me back. I went for a walk and felt a hole in my heart. I walked in my neighborhood and thought about the walks she took with the kids. I got teary eyed. I came home and still felt like i needed to do something, so i mowed the yard. Still, not happy with everything, i went for a mani and pedi. Did i mention before the walk i made a pot of sauce? It was a weird day. A hard day for me. All i want to do i cry. Cry, because i have no control over the fact that my mom has breast cancer and despite everything we are doing, it isn't going to get better. My mom has decided to go through another round of chemo. She went for another biospy and this time there wasn't enough to tell them if there were hormone positive receptors or not. Why is this important? Because it helps with choosing chemo's. The doctor seems to think that even though her inital biopsy said her hormone receptors were postive and she took the pills that were hormone positive the cancer spread. My mom had two biposy each and adventure in pain and discomfort. And, for this one to come back inconclusive, is just a huge blow. I wish she didnt have to suffer.

Hot Dog and French Fry

French Fry eating off of his dad's plate.. . Hot Dog is spent after a long day.. he has to wake up at 510am... poor kiddo..

Better Day and a New Jersey

Over all a much better day, even if i had to spend time on the computer working on the schedule for work. My husband called me and asked me to do and errand for him. So i took a ride up to North Austin. It was a gorgeous day. When i got home I went to pick up the mail and there was a package.. FOR ME!! In side was my Danskin Triathlon Bike jersey. It was awesome to see. It is really cool and the best part. It fits me.. I took a picture and sent it to my husband. He was happy for me too. I love him. After working on the schedule all day, i decided i would go to spin class. As it turns out the instructor was late. He locked the keys in the car. There was a regular there who did some sprints for a good 35 minutes with us. The Mike showed up and we did some hills. I got in a decent work out. It felt good. My husband called me on the way home. He asked me what was for dinner. I told him what my plans where. He wanted to go out. Who was I to say no. What i should have said no to was the cheese fries that landed in front of me. I ate, and ate, and ate. I was full. Good thing i ordered a salad. I was stuffed. I couldn't finish it. During dinner the kids were goofing off with us, as usual and i decided they needed red neck nick names. So nick is French Fry- cause he is always asking "french fry- pleeeezzze mommy" and Massimo is hot dog. My perfect lunch. Hot dog and french fry. I took some pics at the table of us laughing. I will add them soon.

One Donut, equals 3 more...

I took the BodyBugg off for two days.. I had a horrible weekend at work. We were very busy and it was non stop stress. A family member was trying to be nice and bought in Dunkin Donuts. It was actually fun. On the way into work, i was actually thinking to myself.. I remember when i was younger how my parents would go to the local bakery and pick up Danishes, donuts, and crumb cake for breakfast. I remember eating them and the white box would sit on the counter and we would sneak and eat all day long. With that in my mind.. i saw the dounuts.. i walked by several times. I made it past several times...then i opened the box.. and saw my favorite.... Chocolate covered with colored sprinkles.. OMG it called me. I took it and tried the first bite. It was sooo good. It was how it remembered it. i walked away the guilt already setting in and someone seeing me eat it. I was feeling horrible. After an hour, i went back this time when i opened the box it was the chocolate covered donut with chocolate icing and colored sprinkles. I took it and walked away.. i knew i shouldn't but i did. It was horrible. I think it was less then 5 minutes later i was back and i grabbed a donut with white icing and colored sprinkles.. Can you see the obsession? I felt horrible after each one and i couldn't stop it was crazy. It was a bad weekend. I was not feeling it too. I was on a huge bender. I hoped Monday it will be a better day. I have to put the day behind me. Now that i see it on the screen- WOW what a day. So, yesterday I went to a spin class and did it. Today i swam for 800 y without stopping. I am now charging my BodyBugg and ready to face tomorrow with honest ..

guillty... eating all the time. and i can't stop...

I am very frustrated the way the last few days have been going. I took my BodyBugg off and i think i may be taking my frustration with myself out on others. I came to realize with or without the BodyBugg, i can no longer enjoy food without guilty. I can not eat anything without feeling guilty.. what gives? Is this a normal response to food? Does everyone feel this way or is it related to insecurity? I don't understand how i came to realize this. But i think i punish myself for enjoying something.. it makes no sense..

Plan for My UGLY Vein..

Okay, went back to VeinSolutions to have my right leg looked at again. It has been hurting more at night and the swelling, not to mention the look of it is starting to scare me. The plan, after my insurance agrees is to have it, is basically ablated by radio frequency. VNUS Closure is the name of the procedure. It is a simple invasive procedure. there will be some bruising and some soreness afterwards. I should be able to return to work fairly quickly. Dr. Dilling tells me there will be no more vein to see on the top part of my leg. I am very excited. I can't wait. I wish i could have gotten it done before the DANSKIN, but it will be the Monday after- i am hoping. I am going to take pictures before and after. I link to the web site up top. Also, Dr. Dilling is a CardioVascular trained Surgeon, who better to work on your vasculature then a true cardiovascular surgeon. www.veinsolutions.com/en/Locations/Austin/Default.aspx

I went to an information session last night for the Danskin. It was really good. I got sappy watching the movie and got nervous listening to the information about the course. It is going to HARD, very HARD. At this point i want to finish it. I started to jog on the tread mill. Today i did almost 20 minutes. That i better then nothing. I am taking small steps towards big goals. Slowly but surely i am going to be who i am on the inside... i will shine in my own way.

What's been going on....

Being that last week was spring break, i planned on taking off to spend time with the family down at the coast. We know how that went.. it didn't. But i completely forgot that i scheduled myself to work a shift on Friday. OMG!! what a day. It was crazy busy in the unit. We were running non stop the entire day. There was even a surgery at the bedside, exploratory lap. It was just nuts. It was so busy that i only peed once the entire day..No time to drink and no time to pee. The rest of the weekend was very steady. The 'A' unit is heavy. Everybody is vented and sick. There was a younger, in her late 50's with breast cancer. she got chemo and the chemo knocked out here heart. Now she has a weak heart. She was on medicine to help all that but the medicine only went so far. I went in her room on Friday and i thought... GOSH.. my mom. It was hard and it hurt to be there. But i got to make her comfortable. I got to do something for her. I made a difference to her at that particular moment. I made a difference in her life. On Saturday we admitted an older women in her late 60's and she too had breast cancer. She had extensive mets, everywhere. There wasn't anywhere that didn't have something. THe chemo and radiation she was getting gave her gastritis and she was stooling blood. In both of these cases i never had the balls to ask what chemo. I know it is the one my mom is going to get.. i don't want her to suffer. It is so heart retching. I can't even think it through. When i think about it, it hurts tooooo much. My mom went to the radiologist. THe radiologist seems to think the tumor on her spine is the one that is touch and nerve and that is where the pain is coming from. One week of specific location chemo. She may even be able to get her chemo at the same time because it is so short and such a tiny area. She met with the social worker and she bragged to me the conversation that she had with her. I know she plays tough on the outside, but deep down she is like me and is hurting and scared. She pushed it down so she doesn't have to deal with it. I have to be careful not to internalize it. I am glad i started to workout again to help with that. it is good for me. Tomorrow evening, i am going up to REI in North Austin to go to a pre triathalon meeting. I am very excited for the meeting. I am also scared at the same time. Am I going to be the fattest person there? I don't know. I will have to go and find out won't i? I am my own worse enemy. My husband even says so. I don't know how it ended up like this, but i am.

Getting Back to Our Normal

School has started backup, dropped my dad off at the airport, and lucky me i get to work tonight. I am excited, I haven't been to work in 7 days. Time to go make a difference in someones life. Or at least try to. Next week is one of the first meetings for the DANSKIN. I am sooooo excited and nervous. I have been regularly working out. I lost 4.5 lbs, in a month. With kids being sick and the stress of my dad around. I was happy with my achievement...UNTIL.. i saw a picture of myself. Why is it? Every time i think things are going better and i am looking better, I see my self for what i am. Overweight. It Just made me want to cringe up and eat something and crawl back in my hole. I hate this feeling. I don't like myself. I don't know when it happened or how, but i don't. I have to remember my mantra... NOT HELPFUL, NOT HELPFUL. I think, no make that i know i am my own worse enemy. I will beat this once and for all. Going to try and nap.. it's gonna be a very long night. I am hoping to therablog..

Spring Break 2009

Oh how this break turned out anything but relaxing. All ready to buckle down and deal with spring, we decided to take a trip to the coast while my dad was in town. Kerman's one and only employee- got arrested and needless to say that went to hell in a hand basket. Not to mention everyone in the house got sick with a stomach bug. The baby is still not 100% as his stool are still funky.. But enough on that. So, with that said and the way that the world is working today. Kerman has decided to bite the bullet and hold off on getting another employee. What does that mean. he works 6 days a week for 12+ hrs a day. Me, i still work full-time, but i get to been home with the kids all the time. It is going to be very stressful. I am scared and nervous about it. Don't get me wrong, i love my children, it is just very hard doing EVERYTHING ( cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bathing, homework, errands to name a few) and do it with a smile day in and day out. Not to mention, i don't get to see my husband except in bed at night and let's be honest after a full day who has time or energy for anything? Not me. I tend to to roll over and sleep.But i am hoping with the training for the Tri, that will help with my stress level. We will see.

My 2 year old is peeing in the potty!!

WOOOO HOOOO My little guy is sitting on his potty chair and peeing in the potty. WooHoo, maybe this will work out and we can save some money on diapers. BOO HOO, my little guy is growing up... :* (. So, what did i do? I sat him on the potty and he, all by himself held his member down and made it in the bowl. We made a big deal about it and called everyone. I sat him on the potty all day and each time he peed. I am so proud of him.

Going in many directions.. which way is the blog going???

Today, i have been paying more attention to BLOG's i have been following. People are so witty and refreshing and they seem to have it together. I guess what is in common is they have a 'thing' they specifically type about. I think i have too many. But to be honest it is they way my brain works.. I am always doing 4 things at once and thinking of the next two. As a wife, as a mother, as a nurse. I applaud people that have it together. I sure don't..

Oh my gosh...

Oh my GOSH, i figured out with the help of google and the help of the blogger below. I got a DIGG button. By the way.. i love that website. I am so lucky i don't have a desk job, I would be fired!

Okay.. starting feel SCHNAZZY.. if that is a word

So, i signed up for some new stuff today. Like i have more time on my hands. All this stuff Facebook, Blogger, DIGG, Twitter, they are making me stay up later and later. Not to mention my laptop is open on the kitchen counter all day. Oh!! the carbon foot print i am leaving the world. Please for give me. But truly, i use to be in bed by 8pm some nights, now i am up until 11pm or later. Especially the one night a week i work overnight. It's gonna kill me..but it is soooo much fun. I am just glad i graduated college. This could be very distracting. On the other side had a very good work out. Swam a ladder. 50y x2, 100x2, 200x2, 300x2 and it FELT GREAT!!! all in about 40 minutes. Plus some technique laps and kick board laps. When i came home i made dinner. I wanted to ride the Diva, but by the time i got out, there were some bolts of lightening. I was scared so i came back in and got on the computer... I logged my BODYBUGG for the last two days. I was bad. I sure i missed stuff. I wish there was an iPhone app that kept you updated as you go. SO much easier. On a therapy note, i got a compliment from my dad. It has been a long time. He told me i looked good. I know i have lost weigh, but i don't know numbers because i never got on the scale before i started. I was so scared of what it would say. I have gone from 24 to loose 20's. I bought a SPEEDO bathing suit in a 20 and it fits. My bra was a 44I, yep they make I's. to a 38 GG, still up there but shit they look like D's to me. After all this, i still can't look in the mirror naked and say.. WOW you look good. I want to, but then i get made when i see myself and realize i don't. I wish i took better care of myself and didn't let myself go all those years. It is gonna be a long haul....... I gotta go to bed. My dad is in town and he offered to watch the little guy so i can attempt a brick tomorrow. Spin class followed by a walk/run..

On Twitter Now..

Okay , so i am trying to let go of my therapy blogging and let people read it. I put the info on TWITTER. I am kinda scared. Thus far this has been a HUGE outlet for me. Be gentle.

Ugh... Spring Has Sprung and Cedar Is Here in ATX!!

OMG!! out of now where on Friday night i woke up hoarse and full of snot. I was like okay cedar is high i will take some allergy medicine and go back to sleep. It never happened. It was so frustrating. I was either dripping or gagging from lack of air. Finally, at 0230am i called into work. All day Saturday I was feeling worse and worse. I called in Saturday afternoon for Sunday. Saturday night i was up all night long. I couldn't get any sleep. My chest hurt so much from coughing. It was ridiculous. I knew i had to see the doctor. Sunday morning i woke up late, but actually on time since the clocks went ahead. My husband, who i never get to see on the weekends because i work, asked if i wanted to go to SanAntonio for the day to go check out a train museum and a train shop. I was like sure. I took some allergy medicine, puffed on the inhaler and packed up the tissues. It wasn't that bad. It was nice to hang with the kids and my husband. But on the way back I felt my chest get tight again. I was up all Sunday night hacking and uncomfortable from the burning. I even did a shot of the homemade lemoncello to help me sleep. Monday morning I called the doctor first thing. Got an appt with the PA. By this time my youngest one was coughing too. I made an appt for him to at the pediatricians office. I went to the doctor's office saw the PA, i explained to her, i get this every year. I need a Z pac. She says it is most likely viral and you don't need a z pact. I was like i work in an ICU, i have little kids i need a z pack, i get this every year. She gave it to me and told me to wait until Friday. Bullshit i took one as soon as i got home. I really didn't do anything the rest of the day. She told me i needed rest and sleep.. yah..easier said then done. SO i woke up Tuesday feeling a little better. Hacking up tons still. Clean the house like a banshee and went to pick my dad up at the airport. He tells me...you look good... i was so excited. But it also made me feel guilty because i haven't been working out since Friday. When i got sick. I know, i know...but i got stupid head and panicked and made a big deal in my head. SO this afternoon i walked hard for 30 minutes and worked on the ball for my core. I felt better and had a good sweat. I will post pics from the train show and the train museum soon. I am going to try and be a better blogger it's good for the soul... it really is. i feel better now.

It's still there...

Okay, so i knew.. deep down.. that my mom's cancer was still there. I know what cancer is, i know what it does. She saw her doctor today and it is still in her bones. She is still having and enormous amount of pain in her rib. SHe is gonna start chemo and radiation. The doctor thinks all her biopsy's are false positives and that 's why she doesn't respond to the po chemo. She is still herself. and misses the kids. Massimo know's something is up.

San Antonio For The WEEKEND!!

We headed to San Antonio for the weekend. We are went to a Model Train Show. It was advertised as the BIGGEST over 400 vendors. It wasn't filled with vendors, but it did have some big setups for the kids to look at for hours on end. We got in Friday night. The hotel was very nice and walking distance from he River Walk. We went to the River walk and had a very nice dinner. Then we walked around. We came home and tried to go to sleep. But i forgot COCO, Nicky's beloved monkey that he sleeps with. I forgot it. He was a mess the first night. He ended up twisting and turning all night long. No one got too much sleep. The next morning we got up and headed to the convention center. It was many older people and many people with kids. We walked, and walked and walked. It wasn't like we were looking at new stuff, because we weren't we were looking at train set ups, over and over, and over again. Back and forth, back and forth. I walked over 26,000 steps that day. That night we were too tired to go to eat. We ended up eating in the room and going to bed early. Nicky was still looking for CoCo, but he fell asleep after awhile. Sunday we did the same thing, but instead of 8 hours we did it for 6. We bought two really nice paintings. As you can see. They are both No 25's. Signed by the artist. We even got his picture. The boys loved the show. The little one Nicky asks every time we get in the car "train show mom?"

Felt Z80

Oh!! I forgot to tell you the best news. I got a road bike before all this happend. I am hooked. I love it sooooooo much. It rides like a dream.. I love my husband. He gave up a private fishing trip at South Padre, so i could have this bike.. I am soooo lucky.

WOOOHOOOO

Got my hubby to get in the mood for training. Get this he wants to do a Triathalon together. Now that makes me happy!!! I can't wait. I am now looking for bikes. My mountain bike is just to hard to ride on the road. My wrists are killing me to the point that they get numb. I am excited to move on to the next level. I have been swimming 800y, walking 4 miles. Now the bike. I did something to my foot. I just hope and pray it doesn't need surgery.

Can Anything Else Break?

Okay so i started my day off with a call from BOdyBugg. I charged mydevice lat PM. Woke up at 2am to pee. I put it back on. Did my thing this am and was ready to talk to my phone coach. I spoke with her, told her about the tweeks i noticed. She said i may have a defective batery. I said i will see. I did some more cleaning and stayed busy. I went to check out how many more calories i burned and it was gone. The entire thing was dead. I tried to synch it with my computer and found out it turned it's self of 30 minutes after i got off the phone with the coach. I called tech support and gave them the whole schpeel. Only to notice, my beloved MacBook had a crack in it. I was like, nw when in the world am i gonna get a chance to bring it in. Let me call the help line. So, after getting a partial fix on the BodyBugg, i called APPLE. Turns out i need an appt to get them to look at it at the store. and then the store can't guarantee that they can fix it or have the supplies there. I was like forget it I will do it all over the phone then. Hell with store. So, i got those boxes coming. Still haven't heard from the BodyBugg people- which scares me i hate waiting. Then i decided to sit down and relax for a bit- being that i am sick with Cedar Fever- ugh.. I am on my brand new leather sectional sofa and notice the stiching is coming off. Holy shit.. can you freaking believe this? I can't!! called them for a repair and waiting to hear back. What a freaking day.. i am scared to leave the house.

Bodybugg-ing

So, I have been training and working on major life style changes. I have made headway. This has helped me stay on target. I have also regained so long loss energy. I am making better choices and working out daily. It will pay off. It may take some time, but it took 8 years to get to this point. Now i am more accountable.. which leads me to my new find. The BODYBUGG. It is a calorie burning measuring device. It is state of the art and the most accurate measure at this time. It is worn on the left tri-cep. You are supposed to wear it at all times. You can take it off for an hour and then your have to tell the program what you were doing for that hour or for how ever long it was off. ACCOUNTABLITY.. I like it. I used it today.. and I made my goal. It was a good day. I am very happy. It was a good day.. a very good day.. :)

making excuses

Okay, so i just realized it has been 17 days since i went to work out. I feel like a slug. Frustration. I can't just get going. There has been more then normal negativity surrounding me. Not to mention the stress of the holiday. As far as indulgence. I actually behaved. I had some wine, some desserts and chips. I enjoyed. Then the prep of all of it, made me make me number 2 instead of number one. So tomorrow. Back to the routine of it all.. LETS GOOOOOOO